Friday, August 7, 2009

Weirdest Dream Ever

Due to the high level of awesome in this dream, I decided to re post it here (from my facebook notes) to spread the weird. At the time I wrote this, I had a very flu like sickness over the weekend that pulled a fast one and mutated into my leg sicko infection again. What none of you know, however, is the adventure that happened one night over the weekend while under the effects of my flu medicine....


So there I was, sitting in my house, when none other than James Fairchild decides to give me a call using a cellular device. Upon answering the phone, I can barely make out what James is saying due to the explosions I hear in the background and two distinctly different, yet inaudible, voices battling for supreme noise dominance. All I could make out from what James said was, "we can't do it without one more...can you be the fourth?" So, obviously, with the explosions and talk of needing a fourth, he must be talking about playing the popular X-Box 360 game called Halo 3, and just be in need of a fourth player to help them online or something so I said yes. Instantly, I hear a knock on my door and, before I can even get up to answer it, the door gets knock open and I hear James yell, "Come outside and get in the spaceship." It was at this point that I should have suspected something was not right, but, sadly, I did not, so off I went.

When I got to the spaceship of which Mr. Fairchild was speaking, I saw two other individuals sitting next to him. The first, many of you know but I am not sure how many of you have met yet. His name? Donkey Kong...yes, THAT Donkey Kong. He was shorter than I imagined. The other gentlemen I did not recognize or ever actually hear his name. I can tell you, however, that he was a tall, fair skinned Pig-Man of some sort who seemed to be working for some branch of the military. We all put on our space travel helmets and the spaceship took off taking us to our destination.

When we arrived at this unknown planet and got off the ship, Sgt Pig-Man dragged with him two very heavy looking crates that were covered with a very military looking, stencil/warning label that read, "Danger: Really Awesome and Dangerous Weapons." At this point, I knew that, no matter what we were doing, we had the fire power to back it up. Donkey Kong opened the crates and started handing out the contents to all four of us. Each crate was filled with an assortment of slightly oversized fruits and vegtables. As this point, I knew that, no matter what we were doing, we had a healthy and balanced snack to accompany our journey. And that was when the explosions started.

We ran for what seemed like a lifetime, but whenever I asked James or Sgt Pig-Man how much farther we had to go, they would just look at me and say, "Slide on the ice." We were getting attacked by an army of ninja bears on foot and they were being given air cover by what looked like, from my view from the ground, t-rex piloted fighter jets. I just knew that we ere doomed, but then I saw Donkey Kong throw a slightly oversized strawberry at one of the jets and it exploded into thousands of frowning emoticons. It seemed, at that point, that our weapons weren't so bad after all. Donkey Kong, being the only person unable to speak "English" in our group, seemed to be getting more excited the closer we got to the top of this tree like fortress we seemed to be invading. When I asked James what we were here for, he just looked at me and said, "Slide on the ice." Since that was all either he or Pig-Man had said to me since arriving, I will admit, it started to make a slittle more sense.

We finally got about forty yards from the top and then they was a giant explosion as the route we were taking got blown up by those clever pilots. Donkey Kong then pulled out four very special bunches of bananas and handed them to each of us. He threw his into the air and we all followed suit. What happened next, very much resembled the old Sonic the Hedgehog game when you would be running really fast and hit the series of springy things that would shoot you higher and higher into the air where you would hit the next one etc etc. Replace springy things with explosions and it was the same. Then we landed on top of the fortress and what we found there, I would have never expected.

On top of the fortress was a single, golden banana. Donkey Kong peeled back the shimmering skin as a tear rolled down his cheek. After he ate he, he grew to triple the size he was when I met him and had aquired the ability to talk and this is what he said:

"12 Banana...General Swine...brown stranger...thank you all for helping me get the golden banana. With this banana, I will have the strength to reunite my lost kingdom and the gift of human speak to gain admittance into a progressive four year university that can offer me a degree in industrial engineering. For that, I cannot that you enough. And now, we fly..."

Then the four of us flew away from the fortress as it blew up behind us and, while flying, I looked at 12 Banana and General Swine and simply said, "Slide on the ice."


That is when I woke up from what was possibly the weirdest (and likely most medicine fueled) dream I have ever had.

Three Manliest Men Ever

Now, if only the previous entries three names could be matched up with these three individuals, we would have proof that superheroes really do exist:

Aron Ralston (

This is the one most people will be familiar with. So Aron was hiking or something Man vs Naturishly awesome and all of a sudden, a giant hurtles towards him and pins his right arm down, preventing him from moving. Four days go by with him just surviving on water (and then that ran out) and when it got to the sixth day of him just, ya know, conquering nature when nature that that they had him, he decided there was only one course of action left to survive. He decided to cut off his own arm, with a pocketknive no less, in order to save his life.

Daniel M'Mburugu (

Daniel was a 73 year old Kenyan peasant farmer who, like many peasant farmers are known to do, was tending to his crops one day when a very aggressive leopard jumped out and made a move at him. Now, I know a great many people who are scared of my dogs and freak out when I am walking them down the street, so imagine for one second how you might act is a freaking leopard were to jump out at you. Lucky for Daniel that he happened to be carrying a machete for his yard work. Unluckily for the leopard, Daniel had apparently transcended the pinnacle of manliness and did not need simple toys like a machete to dispatch this minor nuisance. Apparently, Daniel's machete was only going to slow down his "wild animal tongue ripping out action" were he to continue carrying it, so Daniel dropped it and ripped out the wild animals tongue.

Captain Sigurdur Petursson (

Like most old Icelandic males nicknamed "The Iceman," Sigurdur is a fisherman. Unlike most Icelandic males, regardless of their nickname, Sigurdur holds the disctinction of besting the of the most feared animals on the planet 1 v1 . He saw his crew processing a recent catch, which fills the water with teh blood and guts of said catch, and noticed a 660lbs shark swimming towards them. Did he do what you would have done? No, he did not shriek like a child for his friends to run. Instead, The Iceman ran towards the monstrous beast, grabbed it by its tail and dragged it out of the shallow water to land...where he proceeded to kill it with his knife.

*****Honorable Mention*****

Although this man is not yet a man and is still a boy, I wanted to give an honorable mention to one young Norwegian named Hans Jørgen Olsen. This 12 year old World of Warcraft player used his "nub huntard skillz" to save the life of both him and his sister. Both he and his sister were cornered by a moose while taking a stroll through the forest (I guess as Norwegians do) when a moose that they probably pissed off, as kids do, started making moves towards them. Young Hans utilized the skill that most Warcraft hunters are known for to save the day. In WoW, hunters can basically fake their own death with an ability called (surprise) "feign death." Hans drew the moose away from his sister and did just that. The moose, now distracted by what he thought was a dead night el....errr, little kid went back in the forest to do whatever it is that moose do.